Caspi's Guide to Portland

Hi, hello, and welcome. You’re too late. Let me start this guide by telling you that you moved here about 10 years after this place was cool. Now it’s just another played-out city that’s lost its soul. I’m not saying you should leave — you’re probably not the problem. Or maybe you’re just visiting. Either way, let’s face it: nowhere in this country is really cool anymore. The yuppies won, and we all might as well go drink bleach.

But here you are, or here you’re about to be, so let me tell you where I’d go if I were you. Let’s be real, no one’s gonna read this anyway, but I’m having fun writing it, and that’s all that matters. Enjoy the snark, and if you don’t, well… go kick rocks.

Oh, I forgot to mention what really wrecked this place: a little unfunny show called Portlandia. That crap show basically set off the downfall of this once-rad city. As soon as it started airing, every dumb fuck in the country decided they just had to live in the most “quirky” city in America, and by doing so, they made this place stale. Now it sucks, and I want to leave

Food

• Matt's BBQ Tacos: Who knew Texas-style tacos could be good? Surprisingly, they are. 2216 SE 50th Ave, Portland, OR 97215

• Kati: A great vegetarian Thai restaurant. If you can’t live without meat, then don’t go here. But you'd be a fool because it’s amazing. 2932 SE Division St, Portland, OR 97202

• Akadi PDX: An incredible African restaurant. In my opinion, which is anything but humble, it’s the best African restaurant in Portland. I wish we had a good Ethiopian restaurant, though. 1001 SE Division St, Portland, OR 97202

• Apizza Scholls: Is this the best pizza in the United States? I don’t know, but it’s definitely the best pizza in Portland. If anyone tells you otherwise, they are foolish in nature. 4741 SE Hawthorne Blvd, Portland, OR 97215

• Eem: Thai and Texas BBQ all mixed up. It sounds good, and it is. Go already. Get out of my face. 3808 N Williams Ave, Portland, OR 97227

• Le Pigeon: French fine dining without the stuck-up attitude. It’s not cheap, but it’s really good. I tried the pigeon once, and it was really good. Don’t think, just eat. 738 E Burnside St, Portland, OR 97214

• OX: Argentinian-style BBQ, and it’s mind-blowing. If you want to eat a lot of meat and spend some money, you should try it. 2225 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd, Portland, OR 97212

• Kachka: Russian food and it’s good, but they sat me near the bathroom when the restaurant was mostly empty. I asked to move, but they refused. I could smell the bathroom while I ate. Despite that, the food was really good. I meant to go back; they have a new space now, and I believe it’s harder to be seated near the toilet. 960 SE 11th Ave, Portland, OR 97214

• Nong's Khao Man Gai: A Thai spot serving boiled chicken and rice with this rad garlic sauce. It’s delicious, simple food. I’ve eaten here like 100 times, and it doesn’t get old. 609 SE Ankeny St, Portland, OR 97214

• Afuri Ramen: The vegan ramen is my favorite dish, and I’m no longer vegan. It’s amazing. 923 SE 7th Ave, Portland, OR 97214

• Wu-Rons: A great ramen shop with fantastic food and vibes. Get to it. 113 SE 28th Ave, Portland, OR 97214

• Frank's Noodle House: This place is rad. They have tennis balls on the legs of all the chairs to not mess up the floor. Ambiance is 10 out of 10. 822 NE Broadway St, Portland, OR 97232

Coffee Shops

• Coava Coffee: Too cool for school? Perhaps, but it's really good.1300 SE Grand Ave, Portland, OR 97214

• Futura: Close to the house, and the single origin is delightful.5507 NE 30th Ave, Portland, OR 97211

• Good Coffee: It's in the name. 4747 SE Division St, Portland, OR 97206

• Heart Coffee: Started by a pro snowboarder, and it's really good. Lots of very cool kids go there. 2211 E Burnside St, Portland, OR 97214

• Never Coffee: They are not nice, but the coffee is not bad.4243 SE Belmont St, Portland, OR 97215

Movie Theaters

• Hollywood Theatre: The best art house film theater in town. The marquee is absolutely stunning; it feels like you're traveling through time. Their selection is top-notch. 4122 NE Sandy Blvd, Portland, OR 97212

• Cinema 21: The second-best art house theater in town, but you'll need to cross the river, which I do not advise. 616 NW 21st Ave, Portland, OR 97209

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